Life can be weird sometimes, it puts you in situations you never think of, and how our mind builds up on that and create a psychology of its own is something which I never understood. Though I was raised in a lower medium class nuclear family, my childhood was no less than perfect. I was born and raised in an old house. It was on rent and our landlord rarely checked up with what’s happening on the first floor. The cupboard’s wood was ripped off, smitten with termite all over, during rains the ceiling used to leak as if someone has opened hell’s floodgates, and the best part, most of the doors were without latches including the bathroom’s door. But I was very happy there, happy to an extent, that sometimes I miss it, I dream of it.
There used to be a window in the bedroom through which we can see the veranda, the steps that leads to the terrace and a bit of sky. I don’t know when this weird thing started happening with me, maybe I was four or five years old at that time. I can’t remember the age properly, but I used to see someone standing behind that window at night, a silhouette of someone with long hair and a humanly body. At that time my mind was growing, I was in my learning phase. If I think of it now, that shape was most probably created through a refraction of light coming from the neighboring house. I used to be so scared that I hide myself behind my father’s back.
That thing grew up and I got used to it. In fact, at a point of time I was not afraid at all. I remember spending sleepless night just looking at that humanly figure. My kiddish mind was in love with her. But I didn’t knew that something dreaded was kept in store for me. As I got older, I felt my pillow cover being scratched by someone, I can hear those scratchy sounds. I had feelings as if something was crawling on my head, within my hair, making me tickle every time. I started having nightmarish dreams where I saw a ghostly woman passing through that window and trying to gain control over me. I saw skeletons, people dying, blood and a deep dark space with nothing but void. I had hallucinations of her standing in front of me, all red, fuming with anger, dancing in pain. But after sometime, it became just another part of my life which I started ignoring all together.
And finally, the time came when my parents decided to buy our own house, we shifted around 12 years back. As soon as the change happened, she was gone, no nightmare, no sounds, no dreams. I forgot about her, I was very happy with me and my life, everything was peaceful and calm. And damn, one day she suddenly came back after a gap of 5 years. This time she was more profound and visually clear. She was an ethnic Indian woman around 40 years of age, wearing a red dress, a sari in fact, with sensuous eyes and a deep desire of making a union with her male counterpart. I dreamt of her haunting and dancing in the bed room of my old house where I used to sleep.
And it all came back, the fear and the mental agony. I woke up with severe nightmares. Many a times I saw her sitting on my chest choking my neck, stopping my breath, I can’t move any of my muscles, I was thirsty at nights and no amount of water was able to quench my thirst, I felt like being taken over by someone. My energy was being sucked, as if someone was killing me slowly. It continued for a number of years. Once in a blue moon she came to gain control over me, and I wasn’t able to do anything, except being a spectator and watching her ripping me off.
And suddenly out of nowhere something happened, a dream which I can’t even dream in my dreams. It is laughable, but it is what it is. She was lying naked in front of me, I was over her and we were making love. She completely submitted herself to me, showering all her love and grace, feeling every bit of mine and vice versa. It was so intense that I woke up with sweats all over my body. And boom she was nowhere, not in my dreams, not in my nightmares, it has been ages, I haven’t seen her. Maybe, her desires were fulfilled, I don’t know. On that day I felt like I have let off some kind of burden from me. I was happy from inside, it was so serene, my mind was free. I was unstuck, I can think freely. It was so divine. That weird event or I should say a dream brought a drastic change in my life, it shifted upside down, I was more confident, more outgoing, more talkative, more responsible, achieved what I desired for.
If I think practically, this seems so unrealistic, so out of this world, so vague. What started of as a fear converted into a deep seated love. A love for a lifetime with someone who doesn’t even exist in the physical world. Is it a past life debt, a karmic connection or is it a chemical imbalance in my brain I don’t know. It might be a mental imagery I created during my time of loneliness, a visual image of someone from my past, or someone whom I loved dearly, or my subconscious mind playing with me, I am still looking for answers. Who was she? Where is she now? She is gone, I miss her sometimes, my first and only childhood love.